It is when you canNOT manage it your own..
It took almost 24 hours of Internet shutdown in this house to get me in the mood of writing my thesis. Seriously, I need attitude adjustments. 5 days of continuous Desperate-Housewives and CSIs made my head spin out of direction. I know that I need to finish all my work and THEN do all the play, but I guess study hard and play hard does not apply to me anymore. PLUS, I think I'm in that depression cloud again, because I can barely sleep more than 3 hours without waking up. All of this mess, and I'm the one who deserves the blame. What a shame!
Enough with the complaints..let me browse through of what happened to me lately. I've been worrying like hell, how I am supposed to finance my doctorate study because the absent of government scholarship is highly probable. It's sad actually. I really liked it here. Even though I have lots of interesting topics brought onto my eyes, I don't have the mood to proceed. It's just frustrating. And I really dunno why I am still whining. The problem got worse financially, because I already bought plane tickets to fly back to Malaysia in September. It is a very cheap ticket (almost RM10k anyway-well compared to how it supposed to be..) so it's not refundable. If I still cannot persuade the Dean to accept my application, then I'm doomed. Which means at the end of December I'll be flying back for good.
You know, I don't blame other people for accusing all this mess on me. Partially it's true because I don't get them done in full speed. The the other part is because it's hard to apply for doctorate study in Germany. One of the reason is, you have to complete Master study, an option I really don't have. If I applied at the end of my study, I have to fly back to Malaysia and the next thing I know, it will be a good three years for me to serve before I can go back studying.
Don't get me wrong, I am not against serving my country. In fact, I love teaching. It makes me feel I'm in power, for most of the thing I am powerless. And I really don't mind getting tutor's salary for the next four years of my doctorate study as long as I'm given the chance to proceed straight away. I will miss my family, and yes it will be hard since both of us will be studying.. but that is the chance I'm willing to accept because I know if I took the opportunity later, it will be a different story. The family will get bigger and I dunno if I still have the eagerness to study alongside my hubby and let the rough times get ahead of me.
Even discussing this made my head spin. I really have to beat this. I pray to Allah to give me full strength to make it happen and with His blessings, I hope it will end up as planned. Well if it's not, I guess that's the way Allah guided me to the better direction. Every cloud has its silver lining.
Enjoy!
P/S: Thanks Rusdy for recording this. It really made my day.
It took almost 24 hours of Internet shutdown in this house to get me in the mood of writing my thesis. Seriously, I need attitude adjustments. 5 days of continuous Desperate-Housewives and CSIs made my head spin out of direction. I know that I need to finish all my work and THEN do all the play, but I guess study hard and play hard does not apply to me anymore. PLUS, I think I'm in that depression cloud again, because I can barely sleep more than 3 hours without waking up. All of this mess, and I'm the one who deserves the blame. What a shame!
Enough with the complaints..let me browse through of what happened to me lately. I've been worrying like hell, how I am supposed to finance my doctorate study because the absent of government scholarship is highly probable. It's sad actually. I really liked it here. Even though I have lots of interesting topics brought onto my eyes, I don't have the mood to proceed. It's just frustrating. And I really dunno why I am still whining. The problem got worse financially, because I already bought plane tickets to fly back to Malaysia in September. It is a very cheap ticket (almost RM10k anyway-well compared to how it supposed to be..) so it's not refundable. If I still cannot persuade the Dean to accept my application, then I'm doomed. Which means at the end of December I'll be flying back for good.
You know, I don't blame other people for accusing all this mess on me. Partially it's true because I don't get them done in full speed. The the other part is because it's hard to apply for doctorate study in Germany. One of the reason is, you have to complete Master study, an option I really don't have. If I applied at the end of my study, I have to fly back to Malaysia and the next thing I know, it will be a good three years for me to serve before I can go back studying.
Don't get me wrong, I am not against serving my country. In fact, I love teaching. It makes me feel I'm in power, for most of the thing I am powerless. And I really don't mind getting tutor's salary for the next four years of my doctorate study as long as I'm given the chance to proceed straight away. I will miss my family, and yes it will be hard since both of us will be studying.. but that is the chance I'm willing to accept because I know if I took the opportunity later, it will be a different story. The family will get bigger and I dunno if I still have the eagerness to study alongside my hubby and let the rough times get ahead of me.
Even discussing this made my head spin. I really have to beat this. I pray to Allah to give me full strength to make it happen and with His blessings, I hope it will end up as planned. Well if it's not, I guess that's the way Allah guided me to the better direction. Every cloud has its silver lining.
Enjoy!
P/S: Thanks Rusdy for recording this. It really made my day.
3 comments:
I may not in ur shoes but all i can say, it's ok...we always have things to worry about. I hope things would be better then for you.
Kakak2 kembar sgt terhibur ngan video aina tau!
well, thank God I still have things to worry about.. other people have nothing at all! Thanks K.Neny.
hihihi.. tu video rusdy amik masa dlm tren..lega skjap auntie ngan uncle dia ada nk main2 ngan dia.. kalau tak, asyik nk meround dlm tren je!
comeynyer cik aina...geram....
dah besar n makin pandai... :D
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