Little Ainaa..

Ainaa during "Snowman" playtime

You know, I don't mean to be rude to my husband, or just trying to talk bad about him behind my back.. because he's so wonderful to me, understanding how tacky and senseless I am most of the times and mostly he soothes me inside.

But the thing is, when it is about our daughter I sometimes envy him.. Well, today he came back really late.. usually, when I send Ainaa in the morning, he will take her back in the evening around 4.30pm and vice versa. But today, even the clock was already 6 pm, he still didn't arrive. I started getting worried.. what happened to both of them, and all those silly imaginations I don't even wanna talk about.. and when he finally came back, I saw he's carrying Ainaa and she was in her deep sleep. I thanked God nothing bad really happen. I started questioning him what had happened, and he just told me that Ainaa started whining after she went out of the kindergarten, and he stayed with her on top of the hill for almost two hours because she didn't want to stop crying. He didn't eat anything for a day (well it is a busy day today for him..). And i understand why he's so pissed off. I pitied him and of course I pitied my little Ainaa..

I just don't know why, it took so long for Nazrin and Ainaa to become close. When we brought her back from Malaysia April last year, she sit on my lap during 15 hours flight... It was indeed exhausting for me, and I can't do anything because she was crying everytime Nazrin wanted to take her.. And it goes on, until very recently.. I think around November, she got better. Even, when we went to London and Paris, I still carried her around when she didn't want to sit in her stroller. Only God knows how my back hurts.. and the thing that I hate the most is the phrase that he kept saying to me " Nak wat camana, Aina taknak dengan abang.."

well, it's the truth.. but I really am mad everytime I heard that phrase.. Because to me, it shows that he didn't want to learn.. to make her smile.. Well, of course he tried.. but he could try even harder. I hate to see him sleep through the night when I can barely sleep because Ainaa kept on waking up at 2 or 4 o'clock in the morning. And when I asked, he simply said, "Abang tak dengar dia nangis..". It was really frustrating. I know he spoke the truth, and not even for one second I argue the faithfullness in his voice. But it's so frustrating and exhausting..

Whenever I took Ainaa to her sleep at night, it would usually take about an hour to make her sleep. and usually I have to sleep too with her in order to convince her to sleep. Even when she's sleeping, she would wake up crying if she saw I wasn't around even when my husband kept comforting her. You know, I even sometimes thought that maybe Nazrin doesn't love her that much, that the love between them is so hard to emerge.. I know it's wrong for me to say like that, but it has been bothering me for so long... Whenever the exam time comes around, it got even worse.. And lots of the time, I kept shouting at him because inside, I was so exhausting with all the chores and taking care of Aina, and he just have all the time to study..I was jealous because he can take the credit of being the father and giving his name to our daughter, even passing all the traits; but he barely do the task to take care of her. I wept most of the time, because I hate being rude to him.. because I love him so much.. and I didn't want him to be like that.. but I just don't know how to adapt all this..

Oh, God.. please help.. I am in deep depression right now, and I think I would explode anytime..

I hate myself for not being able to be strong.. like kak Mijon or other bionic-woman that I know. And it's so frustrating..

P/S: I know that I whine a lot.. but i just don't have the strength to keep it myself anymore..please God, help..